looking at the dark... uhma

                                         Trotz.... defiance, confrontation....

I believe Inda is going through that.Don´t know if it is a result of her teething.... the pain, the itching... the unconscious understanding that she is transforming from a cuddly baby into a creature with sharp tools.... something to help tear, wear, cut. A survival tool.
      Or is it age????? I hear from many a mother that their kids (1,8 years old) are also rebelling against everything... screaming because you dress them, throwing themselves in fits to the floor... acting or as I like to say, over reacting to life.

Funny thing is - actually not so funny but interesting.... that I am undergoing a similar phase! I am not teething, but transforming: from a lively happy youngster into a grumpy old man. Might this also be a survival tool????

                                                   I remember being the most positive

of positive people.... I would wake up in the morning.... full of energy... happy... feeling the sun was shining on me... and the universe was on my side. I was lucky.... things just seemed to organize themselves... good things just came. Paul Simon might have said I was a boy with diamonds on the soles of my shoes =D
    My concern was mostly, I guess, for myself.... about how to become the best of artists... how to be able to capture true beauty (physical I am now inclined to believe it was for a long time). I did not have a clear map about how I might get to my target.... but had planned that by constant practise and a steady pace i would get there.
   With time I got married and got a child... and naturally my concern spread to their well being... and so... a bit away from mine. I sometimes ponder this opening up to the well being of others happened a bit too late... I kind of regret not having been able to share it more with my parents - even if I did try and make up for it at the end.

I became a teacher.... my new goal being to become the best at this. =D

     And slowly, happily... I walked my path shinning from morning till dusk....

And then I got to this cross-road....
         a perfect word for my current Trotz place.
It is always hard to say when one phase starts and another one ends.... but I like to pin my Trotz to my visit to the moon house.

                                                         It started off with a sense of
super power... together with a feeling of unjustness.
     my superpower being a tool to really make a change if I set my mind to it. For ten 10 my powers just increased, every day stronger, every day brighter... sharper. In the end I did not need to eat, or sleep... the universe was talking to me and I was understanding it. I saw how it all works and where society has gone wrong.
   However, human as I am... still being son of god and a child of good... my new non sleep non eat diet ended up my delight and so I left for the moon house on a Monday (the moon day - of course! =D
In my new seclusion I spent my days with wonderful, sensitive people... all crippled by the blueprint our society has set for us.

                                                      A mysterious darkness had crept

into my colour full home.... I started noticing change. What are we doing???? why this, why that??? and worst of all... I don´t like...
    I don´t like that our children have to start worrying about a career at the age of 12... I don´t like that diplomas and certificates are the value youngsters are judged with... I don´t like that when you want to start a small enterprise (like I am trying to do) the biggest concern is how much money will it make....
           Hell.... I noticed I don´t even like ready printed Christmas cards at all ( saddening how we find ourselves in a situation where we would like to remember all our cherished ones but we don´t have time to write I love you... )...

     I know, i know.... its called the mid-life crises... biggest of Trotz one ever gets. The time in life when you get this sensation that you really would like to make a difference. And... with the direction we have given our society... I believe the trotz is just going to get tougher and tougher as time goes on.
      For one... how can we make a difference when everything that has to do with human values is underrated and badly supported????? Talk about charity, helping, creating foundations of good will... and all you get is "that does not make money"... or "that's not really IN in our country". Tell your parents you are going to devote your life to save environment and they will go white with fear =O

       How come everything that is important is badly payed?

                                          Having spent all my life walking on my pink clouds,
                                     of beauty and love....

I refuse to become grumpy (can´t do anything about getting old!). And so I make a steady effort to see, and feel, and be aware of all that is good.
   Today... it was my studio!!!!
                             

                                         As I prepared my coffee I looked at what is around me...
Warm light, inviting.... lots of sketches and attempts at keeping creativity alive. A curious black "hulrak" cat... interested, alert... enjoying the moment.
Peace.
         I just love it when things look play full, handmade... time taking creations packed with love, care and attention.
A bit of this, and that... everyday life in a selection ... my selection.
                                          

                                          A new perspective....

sun emerging over my bed...
                              on the floor - with bad mattress... > still cozy and wonderful dream playground.
"hulrak" following my every move... curious  yet alive!

   Yellow warmth in a wintry Finland.

                                          Closer to where I paint another cat, "Tylypi"...

comfortably on a felt handwoven rug....
    my camera.... projects.....
                                      roses looking out of the window into the freezing morning.

                                         A view straight from my bed... everything set so

that when I am lying down I get a good view into my corner of miracles.... I call it that because it is where I create...
          but mostly because it is where I get my strength from. Here I escape from my hurts... I forget the pain in my knees or my back... I obliviate all my don´t likes and grumpy feelings....
And charge myself with positive.
     Some do the same by taking long walks, or jogging in nature.
                    others meditate.
                          Some get it from a good sweat-out in the gym.
I seldom have time for that. Too much to say.

                                                               Sun starts shining outside...
and inside.
     My third cat, "Nyyrmikki"... enjoying the sound of melodies with good, meaningful lyrics.

                                                       Purring as my "worked up" positive

mood caresses her sleep. I look at her and absorb her calm.
   I need it. As I mentioned earlier on in this text, I am used to having things come to me, not looking for them. However, for a while now... I have been forced to the opposite... forced to think what I want to do with my grumpy old age,forced to try and find solutions... how can I best use my talents to help others - but also make a living =D

 I know I need to be patient... the answer will come.

                                              A piece I am working on... reflecting in colours all

i have tried to put in words above.
    Raw, unfinished... and a bit broken....
                 but I find it still to be peaceful....
                                and charged with hope.

This chapter on Trotz was inspired by an HBO series I have been watching... "Enlightened"... with Laura Dern magnificently portraying the difficulty of becoming aware and wanting to change things... to make a difference.
    It seems to me that the more spiritual you become.... the more human you want to be... mind and matter unite.... and for some strange reason....
                                     The more human you are the less humans want to deal with you.

Fortunately for me.... at this my new grumpy old age...
                                         I have been blessed with a well of purity
                                          and joy
                                          I can drink from.

                     
                                          <3  <3  <3